


The Misadventure of Drunk!Thranduil

by SJBHasADayPass



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Crack just pure crack, Drunk!Thranduil, He's a bit of an angry drunk, Humour, Not-taking-any-of-your-shit Tauriel, Parody, lots of swearing, my friend and I wrote this via Tumblr messages
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-09
Updated: 2014-12-09
Packaged: 2018-02-28 20:01:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2745215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SJBHasADayPass/pseuds/SJBHasADayPass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This story is crack. Pure and utter crack. My friend wrote a scenario of a Drunk!Thranduil and it was just too good to not publish. I do have her permission, and all of the credit goes to her. I own, like, 12% of it, but it was too good not to be publish.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Misadventure of Drunk!Thranduil

**Author's Note:**

> This is basically all crack. Drunk!Thranduil and really just taking the piss, because a Drunk!Thranduil is just too good to pass up on. My friend and I wrote this through Tumblr message at 11pm-12pm. I only accept 2% of the credit because my friend wrote most of this. If you want to find her on Tumblr, you'll have to ask me because she changes it every other week, but mine is; loki-is-up-to-no-good. Enjoy the crack!

Legolas shouting in the distance. "Dad, is dat you?"

Thranduil gracefully runs and hides behind his glorious bitches-be-hating throne, flicking his hair majestically over his shoulder. "Go away, I'm not home."

The knocking on door continues. "TAURIEL?" He waits for 5 minutes, no response. "TAURIEL?!" Still no response. "WHERE THE EVERLIVING FUCK IS THAT GINGER HAIRED BITCH-FACE ELF WHO IS ALMOST PRETTIER THAN ME AND MOST DEFINITELY NOT ALLOWED TO MARRY MY SON?!" Thranduil deep sighs before standing up from behind throne "LORD I SWEAR I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE! I THOUGHT THE WHOLE PART OF BEING KING WAS THAT I GET TO BOSS PEOPLE AROUND TO DO THE WORK FOR ME BUT N- OH, HI TAURIEL! SO GLAD YOU COULD JOIN US AT LAST!"

Tauriel looks quizzically at Thranduil. "I was just doing my job, my Lord. I was making sure the -"

Thranduil interrupts. ""I WAS JUST DOING MY JOB, MY LORD" YEAH? WELL I WAS JUST CONTEMPLATING IN MY HEAD, HAVING A HUGE FUCKING INTERNAL DEBATE, ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT I SHOULD OPEN THE DOORS OF MY MAJESTIC REALM TO LET MY ONLY FUCKING SON AND CHILD IN BECAUSE YOU" he jabs her in the chest, "WERE TOO BUSY DOING THE FUCKING JOB I (DON'T) PAY YOU FOR! GOD, NOW I'M REALLY GLAD I SAID YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO MARRY LEGOLAS BECAUSE DAMN SON YOU DON'T DESERVE HIS LEGO-ASS!"

Tauriel raises an eyebrow at Thranduil. "When you've quite finished abusing me, my Lord, perhaps you'd like to know that the latest supply of Mead and wine has been delivered from Laketown."

Thranduil pulls a face of utter disgust at Tauriel. "You think that…you think that I don't already know that?" _hic!_ "You think that I, King Thranduil of the Woodland realm, don't already know I've got a butt-load of alcohol in my cellar? Jesus fucking CHRIST, TAURIEL! HAVE I BLINDED YOU WITH MY BEAUTY OR CAN YOU JUST NOT FUCKING SEE I CLEARLY HAVE A HUGE ASS" _hic!_ "GOBLET OF WINE IN MY HAND?!" He takes a drink from goblet. "YOU KNOW WHAT THAT TASTES LIKE, TAURIEL?! YOU KNOW WHAT THIS WINE TASTES LIKE, TAURIEL?"

Tauriel begins to answer. "No, my Lord, I-"

Thranduil interrupts. "THAT'S RIGHT, YOU FUCKING DON'T! BECAUSE NO-ONE…" _hic!_ "NO-ONE DRINKS MY WINE EXCEPT ME AND POSSIBLY SOME OTHER ELVES THAT ARE COOLER THAN YOU BUT NOT MANY BECAUSE..." Thranduil suddenly become calm. "Pfft! Cool Elves? In Mirkwood?" _hic!_ "I don't think so!"

He holds out goblet for Tauriel. "SMELL THAT! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT SMELLS LIKE?"

Tauriel responds calmly. "It smells like fruits to me, my Lord."

Thranduil shakes his head in response. "You know what it smells like to me? DISAPPOINTMENT, BROKEN DREAMS AND FAILURE! Oh wait," He gives his wine a quick sniff. "you're right it does smell like fruits…it's YOU THAT SMELLS LIKE DISAPPOINTMENT, BROKEN DREAMS AND FAILURE!" He partly mumbles to himself, "Thinking you are good for my son and shit well I tell you NOW, SON: MY BOY IS WORTH MORE THAN YOU HAVE TO OFFER! KNOW WHY THAT IS?" Silence. "I SAID: DO YOU KNOW WHY THAT IS?"

Tauriel responds. "No, my Lord-"

Thranduil loses his shit again. "I'MA TELL YOU WHY! BECAUSE IT'S YOU, I'M GON' TELL YOU WHY: IT'S BECAUSE HE'S MY FUCKING SON, YOU GINGER, ELVEN FUCKNUT!" _hic!_ "I MEAN, LOOK AT ME! I'M FUCKING BEAUTIFUL!" Thranduil takes a big swig of wine then swirls it round in his goblet. "I'm so pretty and it hurts that not everyone's as pretty as me."

Thranduil frowns while Tauriel looks around awkwardly. "Have you quite finished, my Lord? Only I- my Lord? My Lord, what are you doing?"

Thranduil sits down on the floor and rests his head in his hands. "I want to have a party but no-one will come…that and no-one will get invited but that's beside the point. The point, TAURIEL, IS THAT I WANT TO HAVE A PARTY BY MYSELF AND DRINK AND SING BUT I CAN'T BECAUSE PEOPLE WILL WANT TO JOIN ME AND THAT PAINS ME TO THINK ABOUT BECAUSE UGH, ELVES! OTHER LIVING BEINGS AND INTERACTION! GOD, I CAN'T CATCH A FUCKING BREAK! BEING KING IS SO HARD!"

Tauriel sighs. "I can imagine…not being able to open doors because "wow, I'm the king and have much more important things to be doing than OPENING DOORS TO MY OWN FREAKING REALM!""

Thranduil looks positively offended. "You're not king, I am! I'M THE KING! I'M PRETTIER THAN YOU AND MY HAIR'S SOFTER, FEEL IT! FEEL MY HAIR, TAURIEL! OH, FINE! I DON'T NEED YOUR GRUBBY HANDS GLIDING THROUGH MY LUSCIOUS, LUCIUS-MALFOY LOCKS ANYWAY!" Thranduil lies down and sings himself to sleep about how beautiful he is.

Tauriel goes to open the doors; finds Legolas waiting outside the doors. "Legolas? Have you been out here this whole time?"

Legolas looks at Tauriel. "Yeah…I have. Has Ada finally knocked himself unconscious from drinking too much wine?" Legolas doesn't look a bit surprised when Tauriel nods "Hmm…big fucking surprise there, am I right?"

Tauriel glares. "Why, if you've been out here this whole time, did you not just WALK IN?!"

Legolas looks around absent-mindedly. "It sounded like you had the situation under control. I didn't want to disturb the flow of things."

* * *

 

*5 minutes later*

Thranduil leans against Legolas outside the palace. "I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE FUCKING KICKED US OUT, MAN! WHO THE FUCK SHE" _hic!_ "THINK SHE IS, YOUR MOTHER?! AHA IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE YOUR MOTHER USED TO KICK ME OUT EVEN WHEN I HADN'T BEEN DRINKING!" Thranduil laughs hysterically but Legolas looks slightly scared and confused. "But your mother's dead so…so that's not good really, is it?"

Legolas rolls his eyes, "No, father, it is not." Legolas mumbles under breath; "Because she's left me to try and deal with you." Thranduil starts singing again and Legolas is slowly going into meltdown. "TAURIEL?! PLEASE LET ME BACK IN! ADA'S SINGING AGAIN AND I JUST…I CAN'T BEAR THIS! I'M SORRY FOR WHAT I SAID! TAURIEL? TAURIEL?! I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME!" Thranduil sings even louder. "OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE, ADA! WHY ARE YOU EVEN SINGING?! YOU CAN'T FUCKING SING WHEN YOU'RE SOBER NEVER MIND WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK!" Thranduil sings in Legolas' face. "TAURIEL! I'M SO SORRY FOR EVERYTHING I SAID! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME OUT HERE! I CAN'T STAND THIS!"

Meanwhile, Tauriel stands on the opposite side of the door sniggering with the keys in her hand.

"She's just jealous that I'm prettier than her, son." Thranduil continues singing.

Legolas breaks, stands up and shouts in Thranduil's face. "SHUT UP! I LITERALLY CANNOT DEAL WITH YOU RIGHT NOW!"

Thranduil goes serious. "You have" _hic!_ "your mother's eyes." Thranduil breaks into down laughing psychotically. "HEY LEGOLAS, YOUR MOTHER'S SPIRIT CALLED! SHE WANTS HER EYES BACK YOU THIEVING SON OF A BITCH!" And he still carries on laughing hysterically. 

Legolas turns to walk away through the forest.

Thranduil pipes up. "HEY, SON?! AREN'T YOU FORGETTING SOMETHING?!" He screams sarcastically at Legolas. This earned no response apart from an eye-roll from Legolas. "YOU'RE AN ELF, NOT A FUCKING HOBBIT! HOBBIT'S CLIMB TREES AND…WHATEVER BUT ELVES DON'T SO COME HERE AND SIT THE FUCK BACK DOWN WITH YOUR OLD AS BALLS DAD, 'KAY?!" Legolas returns to his father's side.

"Oh, this is nice! Isn't this nice, Legolas?!" No response. Thranduil looks at him with mild disgust then merely says, "Hey, Legolas? Why you gotta be such a Lego-ASS?! GOD!" Thranduil sulks. Legolas sulks. Thranduil thinks about how beautiful and funny he is and smiles to himself. "I'm fucking beautiful, son. Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise." Thranduil falls asleep, Legolas merely sits there, barely-conscious drunken father leaning on him, wondering what the fuck went wrong with his life.


End file.
